(S)He Loves Me, (S)He Loves Me Not

Lately, I've had quite a few people come to me for relationship advice and I joked with my husband that we should just become Professional Relationship Advisers. But as I thought about it, and wondered why people come to Bert and I, I thought, "Well hey, it wouldn't hurt to share my thoughts on these things with more people. Maybe God keeps sending us people to pour into on purpose!" In fact, I KNOW God does these things on purpose! So this month I'm addressing some basic truths, as well as potential issues, when it comes to dating relationships . Even if you're not dating quite yet or if you're already engaged and only two days away from the Big Day, I'm sure this will still apply to you.

(So my disclaimer to you now is that this is all based on my own experiences and beliefs and it's probably going to be my longest blog yet...)

Liking someone these days can turn into something very confusing and complicated (trust me, I've been there, done that). But it doesn't have to be. Somehow over the years, letting someone know you like them has turned into a guessing game that leaves everyone feeling less valued and more insecure. We play off each others emotions (sometimes unintentionally) and end up with a broken heart or breaking someone else's. Some of you are all too familiar with these experiences.

Well I'll start off with the good news: relationships are a good thing and are supposed to be fun, not stressful! So what does that look like and how do we avoid heartache? Let me tell you....

#1 thing to know about a dating relationship: IT'S NOT EASY.

I hate to break it to you, but there is always going to be heartache or heartbreak somewhere along the way. You actually can't avoid this one.

Whether you've had past relationships or not, going through painful experiences is all apart of learning. What you CAN do is take measures to ensure it's not so painful.

Setting Boundaries -

a) Setting emotional boundaries is probably the first thing you should be paying attention to because emotions creep up on you out of nowhere and can kind of just take over if we're not careful. Setting up emotional boundaries is important because overpowering emotions take over our brain's power to make wise decisions. Emotions cloud our judgement and we can end up finding it very difficult to let something or someone go, even if it is a good thing. Emotional boundaries are things such as not sharing every little secret, or every little dark corner, or every big dream of your life with the person you like. It also means not relying too heavily on the other person to solve your problems or meet all your needs.

b) Physical boundaries are just as important as emotional boundaries, and in a way similar because they're both natural needs of any human and these needs demand to be met. Everyone needs a little bit of touch to know they're valued by someone they love. However, the dangers of getting physical, especially too quickly, is that the need for physical touch also takes over and our brain is left unused, once again. The importance of not going too far physically in a relationship is that the bonding that happens through it is actually much more than just physical! It's also emotional and spiritual! So to keep from crossing the line, it's important to not get close to that line. The bonding that happens through intense physical pleasure is meant only for marriage because of the commitment and love that's needed to birth a family. For Bert and I, honestly we waited until our wedding day before we even had our first kiss. Why? Because it was important for us to not cross any line that would get us closer to the ultimate line we did not want to cross. I'm not saying you have to do the same, but be intentional and if you set a boundary, DON'T CROSS IT.

c) And last but not least is spiritual boundaries. Yep, that's right. Didn't think of that one, did you? Well, if you're a Christian like me, it's actually really easy to feel SO connected to someone after praying for, or with them, or even listening to them pray! Woah dude! Spiritual boundaries are important because if that person doesn't end up being "the one" then you've got a lot of back-tracking to do since you just gave them your all!

Setting boundaries may seem counter-intuitive, but when you go slow and make wise decisions, you end up learning so much more about the person without getting too attached or too involved and if they don't end up being the person you want to marry, then you get to leave the relationship feeling relieved that you didn't give any more than you did. And if they do end up being the one you marry, you get to spend the rest of your life investing in them, getting to know them more, and going as deep as you want!

#2 thing to know about dating relationships: BOYS AND GIRLS ARE DIFFERENT.

WhAT?! Mind blown.

k, this one is kind of obvious but at the same time, not really! So let me give it to you real simple ---

To THE GIRLS: Guys process things differently. MUCH differently. I hate to say it this way, but they process things much slower than us girls do. Our thoughts are constantly bouncing around in our heads.

If you like a boy and write him a love letter and slip it into his locker thinking you're being REALLY obvious that you like him and expect him to respond with a love letter back to you, I can tell you right now what's probably going on in his head. First, he's thinking "Is this real or this a prank?" then he's thinking "who wrote it?" and then "Maybe they're just being nice." And if they do like you back, their response is going to be a) go to their buddies to ask for advice (which is usually something like "dude, just ask her out") or b) he tells no-one and keeps thinking about how to respond because it takes a while to process!

To THE GUYS: Most girls are romantics (whether they admit it or not). They like to be swooned over. They are a little more complicated than you think because really, they want two things at once: subtle approach but bold statements and direct answers. Let me explain. If you are just direct and ask her out, chances are she'll say no. If all you do is flirt with her and hang out one on one but never directly ask her out, she's eventually going to give up on you because she'll start to think you're just friends. BUT if you compliment her often, spend time just listening to her and getting to know her and then after a while ask her on a classy date and let her know with a direct statement that you are interested in her and want to get to know her even more, she is going to feel so valued that if she is really interested in you back, she will not be able to say no! But you have to be INTENTIONAL.

These things go for those already in a relationship too. Girls, you need to give your man more time to process and you need to respect his final decision. He's not going to feel like a man if you're always on his back or telling him what to do. And boys, you need to realize that girls need your actions and words to match. They want you to tell them you love them AND show them you love them. They look to you for support, safety, and stability.

#3 thing to know about relationships: BALANCE.

It's not as complicated as balancing math equations, I swear. There is no only one right answer because it will differ per couple. But it is important to balance the main qualities that keep a relationship healthy.

HAVING FUN - A great way to bond and build a healthy relationship is to enjoy each others company and get to know each other on a more 'surface' level. You learn so much about a person just by doing every day stuff with them! I'm not talking about going drinking together or sitting on the couch at home watching Netflix together. I'm talking about dates where you can do and talk at the same time! And it doesn't have to cost money either. Hikes, bike rides, picnics, skating, board games in group settings, and cooking are all free and fun activities you can do together! Maybe even babysit together!

GOING DEEP - It's also important to talk about the deeper topics, because as much fun as it is to just hang out, no relationship will survive on just laughter. You have to agree on some very big main topics such as religion, how many kids you want, what your expectations are, and your life priorities. You have to be willing to compromise on some things, but you also will end up having to stand your ground on other things. This can be fun too, you know! Sit down and chat over a nice dinner, or go for a long walk on the beach, and be sensitive to each others answers and make sure you're really listening well.

In both having fun and going deeper, it's all part of being intentional. God made us to be relational people and intentional people. Just don't make tings more complicated than they need to be. Own up to your mistakes, forgive others and move on, be intentional, and have fun!

Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks so much for tuning in to this month's blog post. Obviously there is TONS more to talk about on the topic of relationships, but it's a start! If you have any questions, please comment or private message me. I love to hear feedback!

#relationships #boundaries #pray